Transitioning from parent to grandparent: Understanding family boundaries

Transitioning from being a parent to a grandparent is an important stage in a person's life. In most cases, grandparents fulfill their grandchildren's vital need for attention, listening, security and affection. 

However, you still need to find your rightful place as a grandparent to foster a healthy relationship with the parents. What are the boundaries you need to respect?

Different values and mentalities

Parents are often well aware of current safety practices, such as putting babies to sleep on their backs rather than on their stomachs, as was done in the past, to prevent sudden infant death syndrome. They also have their own values regarding religion, nutrition, education, technology, social responsibilities, etc.

As grandparents, you may be confronted with a generation clash and mentalities that differ from your own. In these situations, keep in mind that you are not the parent. Even if you disagree, it's always best to respect and understand the parents' choices to maintain a healthy relationship with them. 

Difficult situations

Of course, difficult situations that can affect the relationship between grandparents and grandchildren may arise. But don't worry: there are solutions to help you keep in touch with your grandchildren.

Distance

Sometimes, grandparents and parents live far apart for various reasons. Consequently, grandparents don't get to see their grandchildren grow and develop as much as they would like. As grandparents, you have several alternatives to communicate with your grandchildren, whether by sending photos or videos, scheduling video calls, or creating enjoyable rituals such as reading a story virtually, sending mail, or subscribing to a magazine. Despite the distance, there is always a way to be present for your grandchildren.

Family conflict

If you are currently experiencing a family conflict that prevents you from seeing your grandchildren, know that you have recourse as grandparents. Ideally, the conflict should be resolved by finding common ground with the parents. If that doesn’t work, you have several options available to you, such as:

• Mediation (with a neutral person present)
• L'Association des grands-parents du Québec (help and support line for grandparents offering practical information)
• Letter of formal notice (offering a final invitation for discussion)
• The court (as a last resort)

You should know that the courts make decisions based on the interests of the child, not the wishes of the parents or grandparents.

The role of grandparents

It is not always simple and easy to carve out the right place within the family. The important thing is to respect everyone's boundaries, both the parents who wish to be autonomous in raising their children and the grandparents who want to bond with their grandchildren.

It is possible to state your point of view, but sensitive topics should be discussed in a calm and neutral place, without the children’s presence. Communicating and supporting the parents in their educational choices helps maintain a balance between the roles of parents and grandparents.

Keep in mind that it is also in the child's interest to develop a strong relationship with their grandparents.

Ultimately, the idea is to lend a helping hand to the parents without trying to take their place.

Enjoy quality time with your grandchildren!

Text written in collaboration with Vie de Grands-Parents.