Performance anxiety and sex: A common issue

Performance anxiety is a common phenomenon that can affect various aspects of people’s lives, including their work, parenting, relationships and, of course, sexuality. In a society where it's easy to compare ourselves constantly, especially through social media, this form of anxiety has become increasingly common. The pressure to conform to an often unattainable "ideal" can lead to a series of worries and problems, particularly when having sex.

The impact of performance anxiety on your sex life

Sexual performance anxiety can have significant consequences. Not only can it affect sexual response, i.e. the body's physiological response to intercourse, but it can also have an impact on the psychological level, with feelings of impotence, frustration, anger and sadness arising. These emotions can create a vicious cycle, affecting self-confidence and satisfaction in the relationship. The person suffering from it may feel devalued and guilty about the sexual problems in the relationship, which can intensify feelings of inadequacy and anxiety.

Causes of sexual performance anxiety

Several factors can contribute to the onset of sexual performance anxiety, including:

The importance of the partner

A strong attachment to or admiration for the partner can increase the pressure.

Significance of the sexual act 

A particular context (first sexual encounter together, romantic trip, etc.) can exacerbate anxiety.

High expectations 

Personal or perceived expectations on the part of a partner can be a source of stress.

Doubts about your abilities

A lack of self-confidence about sexual or emotional skills can trigger anxiety.

Negative comparison

Comparing oneself unfavourably with their partner or idealized role models can aggravate the issue.

These situations can be amplified by a lack of self-confidence, the feeling of not having enough experience, or the fear that the relationship will end if one does not meet perceived sexual expectations.

Negative social media influences

Unrealistic standards in pornography and the media contribute greatly to performance anxiety. Pornography, in particular, often presents a distorted view of sexuality. On one hand, men are associated with hyper-performance, and women, in addition to meeting various beauty standards, seem to have a multitude of orgasms. These images do not reflect reality and can create unrealistic expectations, leading to insecurities and fixations.

It's important to remember that pornography should not be a guide to sexual education, as it does not represent real sexuality. It often features situations that are illusory and may include violent sexual scripts as well as sexist or racist messages. What’s more, they are often focused on male pleasure.

Comparing yourself to these unrealistic standards can increase sexual performance anxiety and make you feel like you're not measuring up.

Overcoming sexual performance anxiety

To overcome sexual performance anxiety, it is important to:

Communicate

Discuss expectations, preferences and fears openly with your partner.

Deconstruct limiting beliefs

Challenge stereotypes and society’s norms about sexuality.

Build self-esteem 

Work on self-confidence and acceptance of your body and desires.

Finally, keep in mind that sexuality is an experience—not a performance. We all experience it in a personal and unique way. Everyone has their own needs, preferences and abilities. There is no "standard" to achieve. The key is to find ways to enjoy sex and the connection with your partner.

Text written in collaboration with Au lit avec Anne-Marie.